YOUR JOB:
Review
my notes list below (I suggest printing it, or copying it to scratch paper) in which I list "wrong answers" from your first round assignments.
REVIEW each response on the comments post by your classmates with the error list in hand.
FIND the mistakes yourself. These may be of three kinds:
- The "good answer" still contains one or more AS/WV/PV/N (more common)
- The "bad" example was actually acceptable, to the point that the "good" one doesn't demonstrate any corrections of the four errors.
- your "Good" sentence contains a serious grammar error, or is worded badly enough that it's just plain awkward.
WRITE up brief explanations and corrections of errors you found: each must be from a different writer. Each should look like:
------
------
1. Boocherjoo-lee's sentence:
P'english represents a force for pure unmitigated evil in forcing students into uncomfortable engagements with embarrassing situations.
still contains an abstract subject in "Penglish" and nounifications: "force for pure unmitigated evil" and
"uncomfortable engagements with embarrassing situations". To fix it, she needs to make Dr.P or the students the subject, and tell us what evil things he DOES to EMBARRASS (Verbs) students:
Dr. P diabolically pushes his students to do their best work even when doing so makes them uncomfortable or embarrassed.
--------
POST all four as a comment below.
LIST of errors to correct:
List: First, a few writers did not take note of the specific instructions that these sentences be ABOUT specific books you read; instead, if your sentences only "retold" simple, concrete actions from the story, you ended up creating overly simple sentences which do not build the skills for academic essay writing.
these writers need to redo, after looking at the better examples posted by your peers:
m-prince, s-ana O..., ehmgee 5778, nh 5795, Code5874 benton7249 mcanaan irnston5797
lananananananananananaBATMANN, JenKap7147, FlamingHobo7133, bssn/orange/poofhair, Beanykid
(please call if you have questions)
Errors list for students completing the assignment correctly : (numbers indicate "wrong ones")
m-ily 2
L-ianapipez7214 :1,2,5,9,10
megana: 1,3,5,9,10
M-aRadmun: 2,4,10
eviola: 1,2,3,6,7,10
Bebbster: 4,5,6,10
Nvurdone: 1,2,5,6,8,9
Aedenmacala+ (no errors!)
Qmart5830: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
the Ken-doll Wil not love Barbie: 12568910
Code5874: 12345678910
kweggler39 : 1,3,4,5,6,7,9
QueenKlaira1781: 2,4,7,8,10
chenballer 124567910
m7163: 4,5,8
BuckinghamPalace: 1,6,8,10 (also, create 10 different sentences; avoid formulas)
CL@!R3_C: 3,4,6,9,10
MichelleKim1,4,8
mel.jan 7
Haehnel(+) !
catcatbeeswax 1,4,10
TesDe-bow-lay: 2 3 5 6, 8,9
rebfranki: 1,2
lululundmark850007172: 1,6,9,10
gabzilla: 1,2,3,4,5,7,9,10
beanykid: no "errors," but "bad sentences" all fail to show the AS error
FINAL "DON'T FREAK OUT" WARNING: Remember that in this exercise, I'm asking you eliminate EVERY one of these 4 constructions from your writing. Many of the sentences I've marked on this list would not stick out to most readers as "bad" at all. I'm pushing you to get rid of each of these errors, however, mostly as a way to force you to rethink how you construct your sentences. By finding new solutions that avoid every one of these "mistakes," every time, you'll actually start to hear how active sentences should sound. So, all this is just my way of saying that if it doesn't feel good to think that you nailed it, only to end up with 7,8, or all 10 still wrong, look around and notice that your peers are probably feeling the same way. You can't fake this, but you can learn it!
LIST of errors to correct:
List: First, a few writers did not take note of the specific instructions that these sentences be ABOUT specific books you read; instead, if your sentences only "retold" simple, concrete actions from the story, you ended up creating overly simple sentences which do not build the skills for academic essay writing.
these writers need to redo, after looking at the better examples posted by your peers:
m-prince, s-ana O..., ehmgee 5778, nh 5795, Code5874 benton7249 mcanaan irnston5797
lananananananananananaBATMANN, JenKap7147, FlamingHobo7133, bssn/orange/poofhair, Beanykid
(please call if you have questions)
Errors list for students completing the assignment correctly : (numbers indicate "wrong ones")
m-ily 2
L-ianapipez7214 :1,2,5,9,10
megana: 1,3,5,9,10
M-aRadmun: 2,4,10
eviola: 1,2,3,6,7,10
Bebbster: 4,5,6,10
Nvurdone: 1,2,5,6,8,9
Aedenmacala+ (no errors!)
Qmart5830: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
the Ken-doll Wil not love Barbie: 12568910
Code5874: 12345678910
kweggler39 : 1,3,4,5,6,7,9
QueenKlaira1781: 2,4,7,8,10
chenballer 124567910
m7163: 4,5,8
BuckinghamPalace: 1,6,8,10 (also, create 10 different sentences; avoid formulas)
CL@!R3_C: 3,4,6,9,10
MichelleKim1,4,8
mel.jan 7
Haehnel(+) !
catcatbeeswax 1,4,10
TesDe-bow-lay: 2 3 5 6, 8,9
rebfranki: 1,2
lululundmark850007172: 1,6,9,10
gabzilla: 1,2,3,4,5,7,9,10
beanykid: no "errors," but "bad sentences" all fail to show the AS error
FINAL "DON'T FREAK OUT" WARNING: Remember that in this exercise, I'm asking you eliminate EVERY one of these 4 constructions from your writing. Many of the sentences I've marked on this list would not stick out to most readers as "bad" at all. I'm pushing you to get rid of each of these errors, however, mostly as a way to force you to rethink how you construct your sentences. By finding new solutions that avoid every one of these "mistakes," every time, you'll actually start to hear how active sentences should sound. So, all this is just my way of saying that if it doesn't feel good to think that you nailed it, only to end up with 7,8, or all 10 still wrong, look around and notice that your peers are probably feeling the same way. You can't fake this, but you can learn it!
37 comments:
Error 1. Eviola5902’s sentence 10:
Amir learns that being a true friend to Hassan includes loyalty.
still contains a weak verb, “being”
To fix it, Eviola should replace the weak verb with an active one:
Amir learns that serving as a true friend to Hassan includes (or preferably, requires) loyalty.
Error 1. catcatbeeswax5738 sentence 10:
Happyface breaks his heart, which causes his major change in personality.
Still contains a nounification in “change”
To fix it, catcatbeeswx should use “change” as a verb in her sentence:
Happyface breaks his heart, which changes his personality majorly (or dramatically).”
Error 1: TheBebbster7058’s sentence 4:
Portia de Rossi worried about the imminent public revelation of her sexual orientation.
Still contains a nounification in “revelation”
To fix it, Bebbster should use “revelation” as a verb such as “discover” or “realizes”:
Portia de Rossi worries that the public will soon discover her (unorthodox) sexual orientation.
Error 1. nvurdone’s sentence 9:
Jack’s need to lead the group contributed to his transformation into a savage and bloodthirsty boy.
Still contains an abstract noun in “Jack’s need” and nounification in “transformation” and “need”
To fix it, nvurdone should use Jack as the subject instead and use “transformation” and “need” in their verb forms:
Jack transforms into a savage and bloodthirsty boy partly because he needs (or desires) to lead (or dominate) the group.
Thanks for getting the ball started:
Mel: notice any nounifications in 1 &2? (You really got rid of these on 3 and 4!)
Megana: notice the nounification in your 3 and 4
lululundmark: sentence 1
Brady is angry that Heaven is reading his mail.
- wv still exists. To fix it, “is” needs to be replaced with an active action.
Brady feels angry that Heaven reads his mail.
CL@!R3_C: sentence 6
Finally, at two in the morning, Robert and Patti both revealed that they had no place to sleep.
- nounification: “both revealed” should become reveal or realize, a present verb
-“both reavealed” , “had” are pv. → both reveal , have
- should start with the subject, “Robert and Patti”
Robert and Patti realize they have nowhere to sleep at two in the morning.
Qmart: sentence 5
In the Art of War, warfare describes a mental battle that is executed through fighting physically for an obtainable result.
- wv: “is”, to fix this, turn “executed” into a present verb which gets rid of “is”
- “warfare” is the “mental battle”, it doesn’t describe a “mental battle”, to fix this, replace “describes” with an present verb
Warfare results to a mental battle that executes the physicality for a tangible outcome.
chenballer: sentence 9
Robinson Crusoe leaves the island after showing his former mutineers how to live on the island.
- nounification: “showing his former mutineers how to live on the island”, to fix this, teaches his former mutineers survival skills to live on the island.
- “showing” needs to be a present verb → he shows
Robinson Crusoe teaches his former mutineers survival skills before he leaves the island.
Error 1: L-ianapipez7214 sentence 1:
Bad Sentence 1.(errors: WV, N ): Lust in men is the main object of Jenny Fields’ focus as she is trying to obtain understanding of it, which brings humiliation to her son.
(+) Free of errors: Jenny Fields’ determination to understand male lust embarrasses her son.
Error: good: Jenny Field’s determination is an AS/N
How to fix: make “determination” a verb, allowing Jenny to do the action, not her determination:
Jenny Fields strives to understand male lust, even though her son feels embarrassed by it.
Error 2: Qmart5830 sentence 8:
Bad Sentence 8(N/AS/PV): He is writing that those who respond to situations in their life that are competitive, by pursuing in battling, are doomed to lose.
+: Sun Tzu writes that people who naturally react to competitive situations by wanting to engage in battles are doomed to defeat.
Error: good: WV, are
How to fix: use a verb or verb clause:
…by wanting to engage in battles will probably lose.
Error 3: the Ken-doll Wil not love Barbie sentence 5:
(-) Bad Sentence 5. Winston begins to doubt all of the facts that Big Brother produces about his and others lives, so he is forced to “doublethink.” (as/n/pv):
(+) Free of errors: Winston begins to “doublethink” when he starts to doubt Big Brother’s intentions.
Error: bad: is almost acceptable, except for the weak verb. The bad is more specific than the good.
Good: big brother’s intentions= AS/N
How to fix it: instead use the old sentence and change “so he is forced to doublethink” into a verb phrase:
…Big brother produces about his and other’s lives, forcing Winston to “doublethink”
Error 4: M-a_radmun5877 sentence 10:
Bad Sentence 10.(errors: pv/n): The comic book character Luna Moth was a creation of Joe’s that was inspired by his girlfriend, Rosa Saks.
(+) Free of errors: Joe’s comic book character Luna Moth was inspired by his girlfriend, Rosa Saks.
Error: good: was, WV. Also Joe’s comic book character is a little more abstract than using Joe as the subject. In addition, “was inspired by his girlfriend” uses passive voice: Rosa does the inspiring, not Luna, instead Luna receives the action
How to fix: by using Joe as the subject, it eliminates all weak verbs and passive voice:
Joe based his comic book character, Luna Moth, on his girlfriend, Rosa Saks.
Eviola 4 corrections:
Error 1, The Ken-doll Wil not love Barbie said...sentence #1
O’Brien betrays Winston when he pretends to be a member of Goldstein’s party, when his allegiance is really to Big Brother (still contains WV= to be/ is).
To fix it, Ken doll should replace the WV with an active one: O’Brien betrays Winston when he poses as a member of Goldstein’s party, as his allegiance truly belongs to Big Brother.
Error 2, kweggler said …sentence #1
When Christopher Boone is faced with a trouble, he tries to the obtain the answer by eliminating possible solutions ( still contains WV= is)
To fix it, kweggler should replace the WV with an active one:
When Christopher Boone faces trouble, he tries to obtain the answer by eliminating possible solutions.
Error 3, M-a_radmun5877 said...sentence #2
Joes’s journey to America with the Golem was the greatest escape he ever made.
(still contains WV= is).
To fix it. M-a radmun should replace the WV with and active one and earrange/skim things at bit:
Joe successfully escapes to America with the Golem.
Error 4, Nvurdone said …sentence # 9
Jack’s need to lead the group contributed to his transformation into a savage and bloodthirsty boy ( still contains AS= Jack’s need)
To fix it, Nvurdone should replace the AS with a person:
Jack transforms into a savage and bloodthirsty boy as a result of his leadership postion.
Really good with the Verbs, eviola! (notice the lingering nounification in #4, though!) :)
Honors English 10 Summer Assignment #1 Re-Do
Based on Atonement by Ian McEwan and Hamlet by William Shakespeare
Bad Sentence 1: The false accusing of Robbie by Briony led to her sending of Robbie to jail.
(Errors: AS/N)
(+) Free of errors: Since Briony accuses Robbie, he unjustly gets sent to jail.
Bad Sentence 2: The idea of the tragedy brought on by the war is a thought that brings Robbie depression.
(Errors: AS/WV/N)
(+) Free of errors: Robbie feels depressed when he sees the different tragedies that war thrusts upon people.
Bad Sentence 3: The annihilative treatment of the nettles led to the unpleasant scene of Briony’s destroying of the plant life.
(Errors: AS/PV)
(+) Free of errors: Briony annihilated the nettles, destroying the plant life.
Bad Sentence 4: In the book Atonement, the taking on of the role of the “lady of the house” is done by Cecilia, knowing that she must take care of her siblings because her mother is often ill.
(Errors: WV/PV)
(+) Free of errors: In the book Atonement, Cecilia takes on the role of “lady of the house” for her mother, who becomes bedridden by illness.
Bad Sentence 5: When the play is written by Briony, it is an attempt to impress her family members, most importantly, her brother.
(Errors: WV/PV)
(+) Free of errors: Briony writes the play to impress her college-educated brother whom she looks up to.
Bad Sentence 6: The taking over of the throne done by Claudius, Hamlet’s uncle, is showing that he has no respect for his brother’s power and that he cares only for himself.
(Errors: WV/N/PV)
(+) Free of errors: By taking over the throne, Claudius shows that he does not respect his brother, instead caring only for himself.
Bad Sentence 7: The hatred for his mother’s “incestuous” relationship that Hamlet feels is a constant topic throughout the play.
(Errors: WV/PV/AS)
(+) Free of errors: Throughout the play Hamlet, the title character constantly shows that he hates his mother’s current “incestuous” relationship.
Bad Sentence 8: The mistaken drinking of the poison by Queen Gertrude during the sword fight makes Hamlet realize he may in fact be in danger.
(Errors: AS/PV/N)
(+) Free of errors: After Queen Gertrude mistakenly drinks the poison meant for her son during the sword fight, Hamlet realizes the danger of his current situation.
Bad Sentence 9: Madness is exhibited by Ophelia when she runs into the court unhinged and singing songs that don’t make sense.
(Errors: PV/AS/WV)
(+) Free of errors: Ophelia exhibits madness when she runs into the court unhinged, singing songs that make no sense.
Bad Sentence 10: Caused by the viewing of his father’s ghost, Hamlet is eventually driven to insanity.
(Errors: WV/N)
(+) Free of errors: After Hamlet views his father’s ghost, he eventually goes insane.
Assignment 1 Redo:
Based off of Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen
Bad Sentence 1.( AS/PV): The figure sitting on the swing was shocked by the news of Charlotte.
(+) Charlotte arrived with news that shocked Elizabeth.
Bad Sentence 2.(N/WV): Although she swore to hate him, she was slowly beginning to be wooed by him.
(+) Although she swore to hate him, Mr. Darcy began to woo her.
Bad Sentence 3.(AS/PV/WV): The marriage of Mary and Mr. Bingley was ruined by the words of Mr. Darcy.
(+) Mr. Darcy’s words ruined Mary’s and Mr. Bingley marriage.
Bad Sentence 4.(AS/PV/WV/N): The request for her hand in marriage was rejected not only by her, but her father as well, due to the actions of Mr. Collins such as acting as if he was of higher status and constantly bragging about his patroness during his stay with the Bennets.
(+) Free of errors: Elizabeth and her father rejected Mr. Collins’ offer for marriage after they realized he believed that he was superior because of his patroness Lady Catherine.
Bad Sentence 5.(AS/N/WV):The words that Mr. Darcy spat out to Elizabeth during their snappy meetings before and during the ball, despite their attempts to ignore each other, were a challenge to her wit.
(+) Free of errors: Mr. Darcy spat words at Elizabeth intending to challenge her wits even though they had been trying to avoid each other before and after the ball.
Bad Sentence 6.(AS/PV/WV): Mr. Bingley’s eyes were caught by the beauty of Mary, the eldest sister of the Bennet family.
(+) Free of errors: The eldest sister of the Bennet family caught the attention of Mr. Bingley with her beauty.
Bad Sentence 7.(AS/N): The news of Elizabeth’s fight with his Aunt caused Mr. Darcy to participate in a run towards her to once again question her will to follow him into holy matrimony.
(+) Free of errors: Mr. Darcy runs to Elizabeth to ask her to marry him when he heard that she had argued with his aunt.
Bad Sentence 8.(PV/WV): Shot down by Elizabeth in disgust and rage was Mr. Collins’ marriage proposal.
(+) Free of errors: Elizabeth rejects Mr. Collins’ offer of marriage in a fit of rage and disgust.
Bad Sentence 9.(AS/WV/n?): Because this was a rule set by his wife, Mr. Darcy only had permission to call his wife, Mrs. Darcy when he was absolutely happy, due to the affectionate meaning of the term back in the day.
(+) Free of errors: Elizabeth only allowed her husband to call her Mrs. Darcy when he was absolutely happy because ‘Mrs. Darcy’ was considered an affectionate term back in the day.
Bad Sentence 10.(AS/PV/WV): The words that were whispered into the ears of Elizabeth at the lake in front of their enormous white house, by Mr. Darcy were words of pure affection that were only meant for her to hear.
(+) Free of errors: In front of the lake at their house, Mr. Darcy whispered words of affection for Elizabeth’s ears only.
Error 1: m-ily’s Sentence #2: Franny is dating Lane, an intellectual, which is ironic considering she dislikes academic “section men”.
(Still contains WV=is)
To fix it, m-ily should replace the weak verbs by removing the first “is” and turning “dating” into “dates.” To remove the second “is” they should change the phrase “which is ironic” to “ironically”:
Franny dates Lane, an intellectual; ironically, she dislikes academic “section men.”
Error 2: m7163 Sentence #5: Holden’s tendency to judge people causes him to distrust others.
(Still contains nounification in “tendency to judge”
Also contains AS with the subject “Holden’s tendency.”)
To fix it, m7163 should make Holden the subject of the sentence and change “tendency to judge” to the verb “judges”:
Holden often judges people, which causes him to distrust others.
Error 3: CL@!R3_C. Sentence #3: Robert struggles with the prospect of finishing his artwork.
(Still contains nounification in “the prospect of finishing.”)
To fix it, CL@!R3_C. should change “the prospect of finishing” into “finish” making it an active verb:
Robert struggles to finish his artwork.
Error 4: Tes-De-bo-lay Sentence #3: Charlie is a shy and depressed teenager who sulks around until his new friends cheer him up.
(Still contains WV=is)
To fix it, Tes-De-bo-lay should remove the weak verb and replace it with a comma:
Charlie, a shy and depressed teenager, sulks around until his new friends cheer him up.
Error 1: Rebfrankie5772 said ‘Fong Dun Shung is gifted and well-knowledged herbalist from China.’
-This sentence still contains a WV, to change this, Rebfrankie should replace the WV (is) with a stronger verb such as ‘serves’ but in order to make it a verb, replace it with ‘served’
-Fong Dun Shung served as a gifted and well known herbalist from China.
Error 2: Michelle Kim said ‘People on the streets were amazed by the dancer’s freestyle.’
-This sentence contains a WV (were). To change this, replace the word ‘were’ with another action such as ‘stood’.
- People on the streets stood amazed by the dancer’s freestyle
Error 3: QueenKlaira1781
Queen said “School stresses Craig since it pressures him to be a perfect student.”
-This sentence still contains an AS (school) because the subject: school, is not a person. Change ‘stresses’ into a verb, ‘stressed’
- Craig becomes stressed at school due to the mentality of performing as a perfect student.
Error 4: nvurdone
Nvurdone said “The twins thought they found the “beastie,” but it was only a dead parachutist.”
-The sentence still contains a WV (was) which should be substituted as a stronger verb to avoid the usage of the weak verb.
- The twins believed that they found the ‘beastie’, only to discover the body of a dead parachutist.
Error 1. Bebbster7058 #10:
(+) Free of errors: Portia delayed her coming out due to fears of receiving hatred for it.
Still contains a passive voice error in “coming out due to fears of receiving hatred for it,” and she used the phrase “coming out” as a noun rather than a verb.
To fix it, Bebbster should change “her coming out” to “coming out”. She should also change “due to fears of receiving hatred for it” to “so that others would not snub her for it” to make it in the active voice.
Error 2. Qmart5830 #10:
+: Sun Tzu identifies that the highest form of warfare consists of avoiding war through deception and mind tricks, which causes the enemy to become your friend.
Still contains the weak verb “to become”.
To fix this, this writer must change “to become your friend” to “befriend you”.
Error 3. Ken-doll Wil not love Barbie.
(-) Bad Sentence 8. Julia risks being caught by the thought police, in order to slip Winston a note, confessing her love for him. (Errors: as/wv/)
This “bad sentence” doesn’t demonstrate either error (abstract subject/weak verb)
Although slightly awkward stylistically (“in order to” should be changed to “when she attempts to”, and there should not be a comma after “police”), there are no abstract subjects or weak verbs in this sentence.
Error 4. kweggler39 #3
(+) Free of errors: Christopher Boone is a young boy with autism, who narrates “the curious incident of the dog in the night-time”.
Still contains a weak verb “is”.
To fix this, “Christopher Boone is a young boy with autism” must change to “Christopher Boone, a young boy with autism, narrates…”
1. megana5733 sentence 1:
"Murphy's free time comes between when work ends until lights out."
Errors: AS "Murphy's free time"; subject should be Murphy, not "free time"
Correction: Murphy only recieves free time from when work ends until lights out.
2. BuckinghamPalace Sentence 6:
"Kat being 'away from home for too long' hints that she is homesick and misses her family."
Errors: WVs; contains "being/is," different forms of weak verb "to be"; need to be replaced with active verbs
Correction: Kat misses her family and experiences homesickness from staying 'away from home for too long.'
3. CL@!R3_C Sentence:
"Patti's yearning for change prompts her to move to New York City."
Errors: AS; subject should be Patti, not yearning for change
Correction: Patti yearns for change, which prompts her to move to New York City.
4. catcatbeeswax5738 Sentence 10:
"Happyface breaks his heart, which causes his major change in personality."
Errors: Nounification; "his major change in personality"
Correction: After Happyface breaks his heart, his personality changes drastically.
4 Corrections:
1. CatCatbeeswax Said:
Bad Sentence 4. Prospero is wrongfully kicked out of being the duke of Milan by his brother (errors: wv, pv):
(+) Free of errors: Antonio wrongfully kicks Prospero out of being the duke of Milan.
This is incorrect because the good sentence has “out of being the duke” which is also a weak verb, and I can change it to “Antonio wrongfully kicks Prospero out of his position as duke of Milan.”
2. Gabzilla said:
Mrs. Bennet's hope for her daughters to marry a wealthy man exists because if they don't, their daughters won't have anything to live off of when they are gone. (errors: AS/weak verbs /and “nounification" ):
(+) Free of errors: Bennet's daughters must marry wealthy men so they will have economic stability in the future.
In the second sentence, “Bennet’s” can be “Mrs. Bennet’s” and the second sentence rephrases the “bad”sentence correctly, but does not demonstrate how these mistakes are corrected. We could make the “good” sentence “Mrs. Bennet hopes her daughters marry a wealthy man so her daughters have economic stability in the future.
3. Lululundmark said:
Bad Sentence 6. Curley’s wife hanging around all the men eventually was the cause of her own doom. (errors: as, wv, pv, n ):
(+) Free of errors: Hanging around the men caused Curley’s wife’s doom.
The “free of errors” sentence is still in the passive voice. We would need to switch up the sentence to make it correct: “ Curley’s wife’s doom resulted from hanging around the men”
4. TesDe-bow-lay said:
Bad Sentence 8.The meaning of the poem, says the person who created it, is that it is a suicide note. (errors: as/wv/pv )
(+) The poem was meant as a suicide note.
In the second sentence, this person did not keep some of the vital information in their sentences: “According to the author, the poem was meant as a suicide note”
Error 1. L-ianapipez7214 said:
“Lust in men is the main object of Jenny Fields’ focus as she is trying to obtain understanding of it, which brings humiliation to her son.”
(+) Free of Errors: As Jenny Fields tries to understand male lust, she humiliates her son.
(-) Problems: Jenny Fields’ “FOCUS” is the main subject (AS) in the sentence.
Error 2. Kweggler said:
“When Christopher Boone is faced with a trouble, he tries to the obtain the answer by eliminating possible solutions.”
(+) Free of Errors: Whenever Christopher Boone faces a problem; he obtains the answer by eliminating all possible solutions.
(-) Problems: The original sentence still contained “is” (WV)
Error 3. m7163 said:
“Holden’s tendency to judge people causes him to distrust others.”
(+) Free of Errors: Because Holden judges people he distrusts them.
(-) Problems: Holden’s “TENDENCY TO JUDGE” is very wordy (N). Holden’s “TENDENCY” becomes the main subject (AS) in the sentence.
Error 4. Lululundmark said:
“Brady is angry that Heaven is reading his mail.”
(+) Free of Errors: Brady suffers from anger when Heaven reads his mail.
(-) The original sentence contains “is” (WV)
Honors English 10 Summer Assignment #1 Re-Do
Based off “Freefall” by Roderick Gordon and Brian Williams
Note- the “Styx” are people; thus, whenever I use the “Styx” as the subject in a sentence, do not be fooled into thinking that “Styx” is an AB.
-Bad Sentence 1.(errors: PV, WV, N ): Even though the Doctor, whose name was Burrows, was warned by Will and Drake, he kept the belief that the Styx, who were people, were nice and showed no anger.
(+) Free of errors: Despite Will’s and Drake’s warnings, Dr. Burrows consistently believed that the Styx were passive people.
-Bad Sentence 2.(errors: WV,AB ): When she fell down the Pore, since, the rifle that Elliot had been trying really hard to hold onto only broke her arm when she landed, her injury showed that the bottom of the Pore must have been made of a soft material such that the substance broke her fall from completely killing her.
(+) Free of errors: After she fell, Elliot concluded that the bottom of the Pore consisted of a spongy material because she discovered that her rifle had broken her arm, not the ground.
-Bad Sentence 3.(errors: WV, N ): The boys made the suspicion that Martha had unwillingly admitted to Will and Chester that Elliot was getting better because Martha had earlier lied to them about not having any medication to help Elliot over her fever, showing that she did not care about Elliot‘s life.
(+) Free of errors: Will and Chester suspected that Martha unwillingly admitted to Elliot getting over her fever because Martha previously showed that she did not value Elliot’s life when she purposely refrained from providing Elliot medication.
-Bad Sentence 4.(errors: WV, AB ): For having spent over a year underground with zero light, Will’s circadian rhythms had been operating on days of over 24 hours; thus, upon reaching the surface he had “subterranean lag” where he remained awake and asleep for longer than people who’d stayed on the surface.
(+) Free of errors: Will, remaining awake and asleep for longer than normal, suffered from “subterranean lag,” because, after spending over a year underground, his circadian rhythms were still operating on days of over 24 hours.
-Bad Sentence 5.(errors: WV, PV, AB ): After many generations of work, the most dangerous biological weapon in the world, the “Dominion” virus, was obtained by the Styx through violence, oppression, and totalitarianism to achieve their plan of terminating most, if not all, human life on the surface of the Earth.
(+) Free of errors: To achieve their goal of world domination, the Styx gained access to the “Dominion” virus through violence, oppression, and totalitarianism.
continuing...
Honors English 10 Summer Assignment #1 Re-Do
-Bad Sentence 6.(errors: WV, PV, N ): After Will, Eliot, and Dr. Burrows made the decision to leave, Chester began to feel scared by Martha because she seemed to have increased her attention on him, now that the others had left.
(+) Free of errors: After Will, Elliot, and Dr. Burrows decided to leave, Martha began to frighten Chester by increasing her interest in him.
-Bad Sentence 7.(errors: N, PV, WV ): Even after Dr. Burrows found himself in the midst of an assassination by Ms. Trantrumoni, his father kept the belief that he was not in danger, simply because Ms. Tantrumoni appeared to be a sweet old lady.
(+) Free of errors: Even after Ms. Tantrumoni attempts to murder Dr. Burrows, Will’s father stubbornly refuses to accept that he lives surrounded in danger, simply because Ms. Tantrumoni seems like a sweet old lady.
-Bad Sentence 8.(errors: PV, N, WV ): Will and Chester were tricked by Martha into the belief that she has trustworthiness when she offered them a chance to live with her, provided them food, and protected them from predatory “Spider-Monkeys.”
(+) Free of errors: Martha tricks Will and Chester to trust in her when she offers them a chance to live with her, provides them food, and protects them from predatory “Spider Monkeys.”
-Bad Sentence 9.(errors: N, WV ): Upon the discovery of a submarine, Will and Chester, venturing inside to see if they could find medicine for Elliot, realized from a newspaper that the submarine was a little over a year old.
(+) Free of errors: Upon discovering a submarine, Will and Chester, venturing inside to attempt to find medicine for Elliot, realize from a newspaper that the submersible dates back to only one year.
-Bad Sentence 10.(errors: AB, WV ): Because the “Garden of the Second Sun,” as its name suggests, literally contains a miniature star in the center of the Earth, the “Garden” remains in constant day light; thus, fires break out very often due to the never ending heat.
(+) Free of errors: Dr Burrows observed that, because the “Garden of the Second Sun” literally contains a miniature star in the center of the Earth, the “Garden” remains in constant day light; thus, fires break out very often due to the never ending heat.
Error 1. Mel.jan1001 sentence #7
Jesse engages in arsony in order to directly offend his father, who works as a firefighter, using the knowledge Brian passed to him about explosives to start fires.
Mel has an AS. To fix it, the arsony shouldn't be the subject, his knowledge of it should. so it should be....(+)Jessie's knowledge of fire from Brian helps him engage in maniacal arsony.
Error 2. CL@ire sentence #3
Robert struggles with the prospect of finishing his artwork.
It still uses nounification. Just change "prospect of finishing" to "finish" so it would be...(+)Robert struggles to finish his artwork.
Error 3. L-ianapipez7213 sentence #10
Pooh Percy shoots Garp when he is at Steering, so his life ends where it begun.
This is an abstract subject. And there is a way to make it less wordy. It would be....(+)Garp's life ends where it began when Pooh Percy shoots him while he is steering.
Error 4. lululundmark sentence #1
Brady is angry that Heaven is reading his mail.
This sentence has a passive voice. An easy fix to it would be to change it to an active verb. it would look like....(+)Brady get's violently angry with Heaven for reading his mail.
4 Corrections:
Error 1, megana5733 said…
10. (+)The eerie idea about the pecan trees lined up in a row with their branches pointing outward reminded Leeda of the marines and their swords at her uncle Gabriel’s wedding.
(This still contains an AS) To fix it, megana should use a subject that isn’t abstract: The pecan trees with pointy branches reminded Leeda of the marines and their swords at her uncle’s wedding.
Error 2, cl@!r3_c.7082 said…
3. (+) Patti’s yearning for change prompts her move to New York City.
(This still contains an AS) To fix it, cl@!r3 should use a subject that isn’t abstract: Patti moved to New York City when she yearned for change.
Error 3, MichelleKim said…
8. (+)People on the streets were amazed by the dancer’s freestyle.
(This still contains PV) To fix this, Michelle must rearrange the sentence: The dancer’s freestyle amazed people watching on the streets.
Error 4, catcatbeeswax5738 said…
1. (+) Caliban tries to molest Miranda, leaving Prospero to mistrust men with his daughter.
(This still contains an AS) To fix this, catcat should use a different subject that isn’t abstract: Prospero doesn’t trust men with his daughter because she was almost molested once.
Error 1) TesDe-bow-lay #6
(+) Ophelia commits suicide because she is upset with Hamlet.
Weak verb “is upset,” could be changed to a active verb, something like “becomes dismayed”.
“Ophelia commits suicide when she becomes dismayed with Hamlet.”
Error 2) QueenKlaira1781 #2
(+) School stresses Craig since it pressures him to be a perfect student.
Still contains a weak verb, should be changed into an active verb.
“Craig gets stressed out about school because he feels pressured to be a perfect student.”
Error 3) L-ianapipez7214 #2
(+) When Jenny Fields stabs a man who tries to caress her, she shows her intolerance for men.
Jenny’s “intolerance for men” is an abstract subject; Jenny should be the subject.
“Jenny shows her intolerance for men when she stabs a man who tries to caress her.”
Error 4) TesDe-bow-lay #8
(+) The poem was meant as a suicide note.
The sentence still contains the weak verb “was meant”.
“The poem had been intended as a suicide note.”
1. kweggler39 said:
Sentence 1: (bad) Using the process of elimination, Christopher Boone tries to find the answer for a problem.
(good) When Christopher Boone is faced with trouble, he tries to maintain the answer by eliminating possible solutions.
Problem: (weak verbs) Christopher Boone uses the process of elimination to solve problems.
2. nvurdone said:
(bad) and introduction and camaraderie is made between two boys at the beginning of a book that was written by William Golding.
(good) Two boys, introduced as Ralph and Piggy, become comrades in the beginning of William Golding’s Lord of the Flies.
Problem: (could still be less wordy) Ralph and Piggy become comrades at the beginning of Lord of the Flies.
3. Code5874 said:
(bad) Hassan’s severe attack is because he refused to be the one to give up Amir’s kite, therefore proving that deep respect and loyalty exist for Amir.
(good)When Hassan refused to give up Amir’s winning kite, resulting in him being severely attacked, he proved the deep respect and loyalty he has for Amir.
Problem:(still wordy, and uses passive voice) Hassan proves loyal when he is attacked for refusing to give up Amir’s kite.
4. the Ken-doll Wil not love Barbie said:
(bad) When O’brien betrays Winston, by pretending that he is a member of Goldstein’s party, the underground, he misrepresents to Winston that his allegiance is with Goldstein instead of Big Brother.
(good) O’brien betrays Winston when he pretends to be a member of Goldstein’s party, when his allegiance is really to Big Brother.
Problem: (awkwardly worded) By pretending to be a member of Goldstein’s party, O’brien betrays Winston.
Peer Sentence Corrections for Understanding
Error 1. Chenballer’s sentence: (Because she wanted to “sivilize” him, Widow Douglas decided to adopt Huckleberry Finn) is still in Passive Voice, with the abstract subject being Widow Douglas wanting to “sivilize” him, rather than the proper subject, Widow’s adopting. This makes the corrected sentence, Widow Douglas adopted Huckleberry Finn to “sivilize” him.
Error 2. Nuverdone’s sentence (One of the themes in Lord Of The Flies explains how each person lives with a bit of savageness inside of them, which in a tough situation can cause them to rely on their natural animal instinct.) still contains an Abstract Subject in “one of the themes,” and nounification in “can cause them to.” To fix this, the author should use the concrete subject of the Author and change the noun phrase to its verb counterpart, (causing, or making) which would make their sentence, The Author of “Lord Of The Flies” explains that people live with savageness inside of them, which can make them rely on their animal instinct.
Error 3. Code’s sentence (Amir cowardly watched from afar Hassan being attacked, proving his true feelings of having no loyalty to Hassan.) is worded so badly that it is awkward. The connection between Amir watching and Hassan’s attack needs to be clearer, and the phrase “his true feelings” is too wordy. A simpler sentence that would be easier to understand would be; Amir watched Hassan’s attack from afar, showing that he has no loyalty to Hassan.
Error 4. Eviola’s sentence: (Amir speaks proudly of Baba’s efforts to design and build a new orphanage.) contains nounification in “speaks proudly.” To fix it, the author should use the verb form of “proudly,” making the new sentence: Amir is proud of Baba’s plan to build a new orphanage.
Redo
Bad Sentence 1.(errors: as, n ? ): The creation of the lies that Holden often told were attempts to hide his horrible life.
(+) Free of errors: Holden told lies in order to hide his miserable life.
Bad Sentence 2.(errors: pv, wv, as ? ): Harry’s bravery is obvious when the saving of his friends’ lives were results of him constantly risking his life.
(+) Free of errors: Harry risks his life to protect others when they’re threatened by an evil force such as Voldemort.
Bad Sentence 3.(errors: as, n ? ): The thought of George ruining another idea of using some type of labor to complete a task by attack a young female human haunts George’s mind so he informs Lennie in a lecture not to be near Curley’s wife.
(+) Free of errors: George lectures Lennie not to go near Curley’s wife because he knows Lennie will attack her, ruining another job for them.
Bad Sentence 4.(errors: pv, wv ? ): The fate of Harry was made obvious when he was made into a piece of soul by Voldemort.
(+) Free of errors: Harry’s fate grew obvious when he found out that Voldemort had unintentionally made him into a horcrux.
Bad Sentence 5.(errors: as, n, wv ? ): The absence of enough polyjuice potion for four people was a direct result Harry and the others’ ignorance for it’s future use.
(+) Free of errors: Harry, Ron and Hermione ignored how much polyjuice potion they had, resulting in them only being able to transform one person.
Bad Sentence 6.(errors: pv, wv, as ? ): The sad depressed older boy (Holden) attempts to infatuate multiple females, resulting in the self confidence of Holden’s being strengthened by none other by Holden.
(+) Free of errors: Holden flirts with older women in order to reassure his self-confidence.
Bad Sentence 7.(errors: as, n ? ): Happiness was absent in Holden when he had come to the realization that he was to be excluded from the activities of Pencey from then on.
(+) Free of errors: Holden wasn’t happy when he had been informed about his expulsion from Pencey, throwing him into an even deeper depression.
Bad Sentence 8.(errors: pv, wv, n ? ): The time of the woman who solicits her body for time to have arranged intercourse was purchased by Holden in order to better his lack of confidence.
(+) Free of errors: Holden obviously purchased Sunny the prostitute to strengthen his self-confidence, given that several girls had just rejected him in the hotel bar.
Bad Sentence 9.(errors: as, n ? ): Actions which were preformed by Harry affected him negatively in the conquest to acquire and destroy the several scattered soul splitting pieces.
(+) Free of errors: Many of Harry’s actions have negatively affected his conquest to destroy the horcruxes.
Bad Sentence 10.(errors: n, wv ? ): To be frank, Holden’s destination is a mental hospital when he became depressed.
(+) Free of errors: Frankly, Holden ends up in a mental hospital because of his depression.
1. M-ily_Mickormack1718 sentence two:
Franny is dating Lane, an intellectual, which is ironic considering she dislikes academic “section men”.
Errors: (WV) contains “is dating,” when it should be replaced with “dates” and “is ironic” which again uses the weak verb “is,” so it could be replaced with the active verb “creates” as in “creates an ironic situation”
Franny dates Lane, an intellectual, which creates an ironic situation considering she dislikes academic “section men.”
2. the Ken-doll Wil not love Barbie sentence two:
Julia’s love for Winston leads her to join Goldstein’s party in order to fight against Big Brother.
Errors: (AS, N) The subject is “Julia’s love,” when it should be “Julia,” which would allow Julia to do an action as the subject; instead of “love” as a noun it could be a verb: “to love,” “loving”
Julia joins Goldstein’s party in order to fight against Big Brother as a result of her loving Winston.
3. gabzilla7083 sentence one:
Bennet's daughters must marry wealthy men so they will have economic stability in the future.
Errors: (WV) contains “will have” that could be replaced with an active verb as in “to ensure”
Bennet’s daughters must marry wealthy men to ensure economically stable futures.
4. Code5874 sentence four:
Amir cowardly watched from afar Hassan being attacked, proving his true feelings of having no loyalty to Hassan.
Errors: (WV, PV) The corrected sentence uses “having” and “being,” weak verbs, and is awkward in the arrangement of the sentence, “from afar” should go after Hassan’s attack and his feelings shouldn’t be in passive voice, “true feelings of having no loyalty to Hassan,” but “proving his disloyalty against Hassan.”
Amir cowardly watched the attack on Hassan from afar, proving his disloyalty against Hassan.
Sentence 4, chenballer said: After a date with his old girlfriend, Harry Hole finds himself in his own flat, with a headache and short-term memory loss.
Error: WV - replace “finds himself” with “feels”
After a date with his old girlfriend, Harry feels a headache along with a short-term memory loss.
Sentence 1, Megana said: Murphy’s free time comes between when work ends until lights-out.
Error: “Nounification” - ‘free time’ can be verbified to ‘free’
Correction: after work, Murphy’s free until lights-out.
Sentence 6, Chenballer said: Robinson Crusoe helps Friday, a prisoner, escape.
Still contains a passive voice, instead of mentioning that Friday is a prisoner, stating the place he’s escaping from (prison) already describes him.
Robin Crusoe helps Friday escape from prison.
Sentence 7, Code said: When Amir hears of his father’s fondness towards Hassan, so he snaps at Hassan the next morning out of anger.
Nounification
-“Fondness” towards should be a verb such as “hears of his father compliment Hassan”
-“jealousy” might be better than “anger”
“so” is unnecessary in the sentence, so take it out.
double post? errr...
FOUR ERRORS CORRECTED
Error One: (TheBebbster)
Bad Sentence 4(errors: WV/PV): Zooey is being insulted by his mother because she is hinting that she is planning to have Franny receive help from a psychoanalyst, while Zooey says psychologists have beliefs that they would impose upon Franny and make her become mentally insane just as it did to their brother Seymour.
(-) Free of errors: Zooey distrusts psychologists since they contributed to his brother Seymour’s insanity.
(+)Since psychologists caused Seymour to go insane, Zooey distrusts mental institutions.
Error Two: (Qmart5830)
Bad Sentence 1(PV/N/AS/WV): What the Author of the Art of War says is that the thirteen-step process is essential, in order to conquer an opponent without failure. The author says
-: In the Art of War, Sun Tzu writes thirteen steps to successfully defeat an enemy.
(+) In the Art of War, Sun Tzu describes thirteen-steps that generals must use in order to defeat an enemy.
Error Three: (TheKendoll…)
(-) Bad Sentence 2. Julia fell in love with Winston, and her love for him leads her to follow him when he joined Goldstein’s party and to fight against Big Brother.
(Errors: as): (-) Free of errors: Julia’s love for Winston leads her to join Goldstein’s party in order to fight against Big Brother.
(+) Since Julia loves Winston so much, she decides to join Goldstein’s party in order to fight Big Brother.
Error Four: (QueenKlaira1781)
(Bad) Perfect students are expected at Craig’s school, so he is stressed out by the pressure to be as thus.
(Also Bad) School stresses Craig since it pressures him to be a perfect student.
(+) School stresses Craig because it pressures him to act as a “perfect student.”
FOUR CORRECTIONS: Forgot to put what was wrong before...
Error One: (TheBebbster)
Bad Sentence 4(errors: WV/PV): Zooey is being insulted by his mother because she is hinting that she is planning to have Franny receive help from a psychoanalyst, while Zooey says psychologists have beliefs that they would impose upon Franny and make her become mentally insane just as it did to their brother Seymour. (-) Free of errors: Zooey distrusts psychologists since they contributed to his brother Seymour’s insanity.
(AS)
(+)Since psychologists caused Seymour to go insane, Zooey distrusts mental institutions.
Error Two: (Qmart5830)
Bad Sentence 1(PV/N/AS/WV): What the Author of the Art of War says is that the thirteen-step process is essential, in order to conquer an opponent without failure. The author says -: In the Art of War, Sun Tzu writes thirteen steps to successfully defeat an enemy.
(PV)
(+) In the Art of War, Sun Tzu describes thirteen-steps that generals must use in order to defeat an enemy.
Error Three: (TheKendoll…)
(-) Bad Sentence 2. Julia fell in love with Winston, and her love for him leads her to follow him when he joined Goldstein’s party and to fight against Big Brother. (Errors: as): (-) Free of errors: Julia’s love for Winston leads her to join Goldstein’s party in order to fight against Big Brother.
(N, AS)
(+) Since Julia loves Winston so much, she decides to join Goldstein’s party in order to fight Big Brother.
Error Four: (QueenKlaira1781)
(Bad) Perfect students are expected at Craig’s school, so he is stressed out by the pressure to be as thus. (Also Bad) School stresses Craig since it pressures him to be a perfect student.
(WV, PV)
(+) School stresses Craig because it pressures him to act as a “perfect student.”
4 Errors
Error #1
catcatbeeswax5738 said “Happyface breaks his heart, which causes his major change in personality.”
There is still nounification “change,” try using it as an active verb changes or alters. Also Happyface doesn’t break his own heart, by definition it takes two to break a heart so you have to switch what Happyface does.
Correct: Happyface’s personality alters as a result of his heartbreak.
Error #2
gabzilla7083 said “Mr. Darcy's arrogant remarks caused by insecurity and conceit insulted Elizabeth.”
“Mr. Darcy's arrogant remarks” is an abstract subject, to fix this you should focus mainly on Mr. Darcy insulting Elizabeth.
Correct: Since Mr. Darcy feels insecure insults Elizabeth with his snide remarks.
Error #3
TheBebbster7068 said “Portia de Rossi worried about the imminent public revelation of her sexual orientation.”
“revelation” is nounified, instead use the verb reveal, still passive voice
Correct: Portia de Rossi worries about revealing her sexual orientation to the public.
Error#4
Garp wants to protect his mother from the radical feminists she encounters with her fame.
whole sentence is in passive voice.
Correct: Garp protects his mother as a result of the radical feminists insults toward her.
REDO:
Based on the increasingly inaccurately named Hitchhiker's Trilogy, by Douglas Adams:
1. (-) Because Ford purchases six pints of beer and gives his friend three of the six, and tells him that he knows he should drink them, we can assume that he must know that they will relax his muscles because he is from a planet somewhere in the vicinity of the Betelgeuse.
[weak verbs, passive voice]
(+) Because he buys six pints of beer, Ford obviously knows that they will need a muscle relaxant for the journey they are about to take.
2. (-) In the Hitch-Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, by Douglas Adams, the main character of the story, named Arthur, lives in a yellow house which symbolizes that he is very cautious about his surroundings and what he does because caution tapes are yellow.
[passive voice, weak verbs]
(+) When Douglas Adams depicts Arthur as living within a yellow house, we can assume he is trying to compare the color to a similar object, like caution tape, to symbolize Arthur’s cautious nature.
3. (-)Starting to begin flashing, the spaceship showed signs of distress and panic because it must have calculated that it was about to crash onto Damogran.
[abstract subject, weak verbs, passive voice]
(+)Because it had begun to flash the distress signal, the space-ship must have known it was about to crash-land.
4. (-) Saying that if we knew exactly why the bowl of petunias had thought “oh no, not again”, we would know a lot more about the nature of the Universe than we do now, is Douglas Adams, the story’s author.
[weak verbs, passive voice abstract subject]
(+) The story's author, Douglas Adams, argues that people would know a lot more about the nature of the Universe if they could figure out why the bowl of petunias had thought “oh no, not again,”.
5. (-) When Adams closes the doors on the captain of the space ship, he makes the readers feel lonely and isolated.
[abstract subject, passive voice]
(+) By describing the doors closing on the spaceship’s captain, Adams sets a tone of isolation and loneliness.
6. (-) Another book by Douglas Adams is “So Long and Thanks For All the Fish” where the dolphins use the title’s phrase to say goodbye when they leave earth right before it explodes.
[weak verbs, passive voice]
(+) In another book by Douglas Adams, the dolphins who leave Earth before it is demolished to make way for a galactic freeway use the book’s title as a farewell: “So Long and Thanks For All the Fish”.
7. (-) Marvin's (the spaceship's robot) greatly severe and impacting depression often puts a damper on the feelings of every single person onboard the ship, when he works as a servant.
[nounification, passive voice]
(+) Marvin, the spaceship's servant robot, often dampens the mood of people on board with his severe depression.
8. (-) In the actual “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” described in the story as a real book, Humans are depicted as “mostly harmless” by Douglas Adams, a comment that protagonist Arthur, a human, is very upset with.
[passive voice, weak verbs]
(+) Within Douglas Adams’s novel by the same name, “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” describes the human race as “mostly harmless”, a description that upsets the story’s protagonist.
9. (-) To be frank, the Heart of Gold (a space ship)’s captain, Zaphod Beeblebrox, constantly gets the group of people on board into ridiculous situations with his "witty" stupidity and conceit, which is greater than all races combined.
[passive voice, weak verbs]
(+) Frankly, the Heart of Gold’s captain, Zaphod Beeblebrox, should really consider not being so “witty”.
10. (-) Arthur’s friend Ford is a show loyalty when he does not leave Arthur on Earth when it is set to explode by taking him with him when he latches on to the Vogon Ship.
[nounification, weak verbs, passive voice]
(+) Ford shows his loyalty as a friend when saves Arthur’s life by letting him come along when he hitches a ride on the Vogon ship.
ERRORS/CORRECTIONS:
Four Corrections:
Error 3: catcatbeeswax5738 sentence #3
Prospero makes a storm that brings all the characters onto the island and starts off the story
(-) To make the sentence seem less awkward, put the time at the beginning, to establish where/when we are talking about:
(+) At the beginning of the story, Prospero creates a storm that brings all the characters onto the island.
Error 1: Tes-De-Bow-lay Sentence #9
I was excited to be kissed by Kev, because I had liked him all my life.
(-) still contains weak verbs such as “to be”. Instead, change the tense of the sentence to activate the verbs:
(+) I was excited when Kev kissed me, because I had liked him all my life.
Error 3: rebfrankie5772 Sentence #5.
Fong See travels to America to find his father seven years after his father left China.
(-) to make it less awkward, try not to put ‘father’ twice:
(+) Fong See travels to America in search of his father, who had left China seven years before.
Error 2: lululundmark7172 Sentence #9
Bad Sentence 9. It was shown that Holden didn’t dislike everything by him loving his sister.
By loving his sister, it showed that he didn’t dislike everything
(-) although the first sentence’s wording structure is a little awkward, in the second sentence, we lost who didn’t dislike everything. By combining the two:
(+) In loving his sister, Holden showed that he didn’t dislike everything.
Four Revisions
1. CL@!R3_C.7082’s Sentence 3:
(-) Patti’s yearning for change prompts her move to New York City.
Still has: N- “Patti’s yearning” and “her move to”
AB- “Patti’s yearning for change”
How to fix: change “yearning” to “yearns,” “move to” to “to move,” and make “Patti” the subject
(+) Because Patti yearns for change, she decides to move to New York City.
2. MichelleKim’s Sentence 1:
(- ) As the world develops, the belief of Jesus Christ fades.
Still has: N- “the belief”
AB- “the belief of Jesus Christ”
WV- “As”
How to fix: having them “forget about Jesus” will get rid of the N. Make the subject “people,” and use “because” rather than “as” (“because” will show more of a “cause effect relationship” rather than “as” showing a “time” relationship).
(+) Many people forget about Jesus Christ because they live in a developing world.
3. TesDe-bow-lay’s Sentence 3:
(-) Charlie is a shy and depressed teenager who sulks around until his new friends cheer him up.
Still has: WV- “is”
How to fix: remove “is” and “who;” turn “a shy and depressed teenager” into an appositive clause describing “Charlie:” this will make “sulks” the verb.
(+) Charlie, a shy and depressed teenager, sulks around until his new friends cheer him up.
4. TheBebbster7068’s Sentence 5:
(-)Tina Fey coped with stress when she cared for her family while maintaining a career.
Still has: N- “stress”
How to fix: simply remove “coped with,” and describe Tina “stressing out” about juggling her family and career.
(+) Tina Fey stresses out caring for her family while maintaining a career.
1. Megana’s 1st Sentence:
Murphy’s free time comes between when work ends until lights-out.
-Still contains an abstract subject in “Murphy’s free time”. To fix make Murphy the subject instead of his “free time” and use a strong active verb.
Free of errors: Murphy spends his time freely between the end of work and lights out.
2. Bebbster’s 4th Sentence:
Portia de Rossi worried about the imminent public revelation of her sexual orientation.
-nounification in “revelation of her sexual orientation”. Turn “revelation” into an active verb such as “recognize” or “realize”.
Free of errors: Portia de Rossi worries that the public will imminently recognize her sexual orientation.
3. The Ken-doll wil not love Barbie’s 1st Sentence:
O’Brien betrays Winston when he pretends to be a member of Goldstein’s party, when his allegiance is really to Big Brother.
-Still uses weak verbs: “is” and “to be”. Replace WV with strong, active verbs.
Free of errors: O’Brien betrays Winston when he acts as a member of Goldstein’s party while his allegiance really belongs to Big Brother.
4. m-ily’s 2nd Sentence:
Franny is dating Lane, an intellectual, which is ironic considering she dislikes academic “section men”.
-still contains the weak verb “is”. Take out the first “is” and change “dating” to “dates”. Remove second “is” by making “is ironic” become “ironically”.
Free of errors: Ironically, Franny dates Lane, an intellectual, when she claims to dislikes men of the “academic section”.
1.) Code’s 2nd sentence: Hassan’s glowing smile when Amir’s kite won the race, suggest that Hassan feels happy for Amir.
This sentence still has the abstract subject “Hassan’s glowing smile” because Hassan isn’t the subject, his smile is, making it a thing, not a person. This is also a nounification because the verb smiling has been turned into the noun smile. So to fix these problems Code should say:
Hassan smiled when Amir’s kite won the race, suggesting that he feels happy for Amir.
2.)M-a_radmun5877 ‘s 10th sentence was: Joe’s comic book character Luna Moth was inspired by his girlfriend, Rosa Saks.
Her sentence is in the passive voice because it says Luna was inspired by Rosa Saks, so to fix it they should say Rosa inspired Luna, making the sentence:
Joe’s girlfriend, Rosa Saks, inspires his comic book character Luna moth.
3.) Qmart5830’s 9th sentence said: One of the greatest teachings of the Art of War is that neither opponent succeeds in the battle, unless there‘s a common philosophy between yourself and the enemy.
This sentence has an abstract subject by using “one of the greatest teachings of the art of war”, so this should be replaced between with WHO is doing the teaching (aka, the author of The Art of War). The verb “teaching” has also been turned into the noun “teachings”, and the weak verb “is” in “unless there’s a common philosophy” could be replaced with the phrase “unless you share a common philosophy” making the new sentence:
The author of the Art of War teaches that neither opponent succeeds unless you share a common philosophy between yourself and the enemy.
4.) The Ken-doll Wil not love Barbie’s 1st “bad” sentence is: When O’Brien betrays Winston, by pretending that he is a member of Goldstein’s party, the underground, he misrepresents to Winston that his allegiance is to Goldstein instead of Big Brother.
They say that their errors are AS, WV, N, and their “good” sentence is: O’Brien betrays Winston when he pretends to be a member of Goldstein’s party, when his allegiance is really to Big Brother
However, the first sentence was fine. The subjects were all people (such as “O’brien” and “he”), the verb “betrays”, and “pretends” are both the verbs, and they aren’t WV, and there isn’t any nounification, so the Ken-doll Wil not love Barbie’s original sentence was fine.
Error 1.MichelleKim's sentence 4:
Many will fall unnoticeably by receiving the verichip, the beast’s invention to new age commerce.
This is a week and wordy sentence.
To fix this, MichelleKim needs to show clearly the show and tell:
By receiving the verichip, the beast's invention to new age commerce, many will fall unnoticably.
Error 2. Eviola's sentence 10:
Amir learns that being a true friend to Hassan includes loyalty.
Eviola's sentence contains "being", a weak verb:
Amir learns that carrying on as a true friend to Hassan must include loyalty.
Error 3.TesDe-bow-lay's sentence 9:
I was excited to be kissed by Kev, because I had liked him all my life.
TesDe-bow-lay's sentence still includes a weak verb.
To fix this we make the verb "to be" an active one:
When Kev kissed me, i was excited because i had liked him all my life.
Error 4.QueenKlaira's sentence 4:
Perfect students are expected at Craig’s school, so he is stressed out by the pressure to be as thus.
This has a weak verb "are expected:, and passive voice.
School is stressful to Craig because it pressures him to be a perfect student.
Revision:
Error 1. Eviola's sentence 10
Amir learns that being a true friend to Hassan includes loyalty.
includes a weak verb, "being," as well as a nounification, "loyalty."
To fix it, Eviola should replace the WV with an active verb, and use "loyalty" as an adverb:
Amir learns to loyally serve Hassan like a true friend.
Error 2: catcatbeeswax sentence 10:
Happyface breaks his heart, which causes his major change in personality.
includes nounifications in "change" and "personality"
To fix it, catcat should use the words as verbs or adverbs:
Happyface breaks his heart, personally changing him dramatically.
Sorry it took so long for me to revise this! I have been away at a camp for the past three weeks and came back just two days ago.
Four Corrections
Error 1 (Bebbster)
“Bad Sentence 4.(errors: wv/pv/n ): Portia de Rossi had a lot of worry over the matter of the fact that she considered herself to be someone who is homosexual and that probably soon someone would be the person to find out in the near future.
(+) Free of errors: Portia de Rossi worried about the imminent public revelation of her sexual orientation.”
How to fix it: Still contains a nounification, revelation, which is the noun form of reveal. The nounification should be removed and the sentence phrased “Portia de Rossi worries about the imminent revealing of her sexual orientation to the public.”
Error 2 (Qmart)
“Bad Sentence 7(AS/WV/N): Sun Tzu sees the highest form of warfare is avoiding it by deception and psychological ploys that result in the enemy becoming your friend.
+: Sun Tzu identifies that the highest form of warfare consists of avoiding war through deception and mind tricks, which cause the enemy to become your friend.”
How to fix it: Still contains “to become,” a weak verb, and “cause” is not correct grammar, it should be “causes” to make the verb tenses in the sentence agree. The sentence can be rephrased “Sun Tzu identifies that the highest form of warfare consists of avoiding war through deception and mind tricks, which causes the enemy to befriend you.”
Error 3 (The Ken-doll Wil not..)
“(-) Bad Sentence 1. When O’Brien betrays Winston, by pretending that he is a member of Goldstein’s party, the underground, he misrepresents to Winston that his allegiance is to Goldstein instead of Big Brother. (Errors: as/wv/n):
(+) Free of errors: O’Brien betrays Winston when he pretends to be a member of Goldstein’s party, when his allegiance is really to Big Brother.”
How to fix it: Still contains the weak verbs “to be” and “is,” a form of “to be.” It should be phrased “O’Brien betrays Winston when he passes himself off as a member of Goldstein’s party, because his allegiance truly lies with Big Brother.
Error 4 (kweggler)
“1. Bad Sentence: By using process of elimination, Christopher Boone tries to find the answer for a problem. (PV/ WV/ AS)
(+) Free of errors: When Christopher Boone is faced with a trouble, he tries to the obtain the answer by eliminating possible solutions.”
How to fix it: Still contains “is,” a weak verb. To eliminate this verb, the sentence can be phrased, “When faced with a trouble, Christopher Boone tries to the obtain the answer by eliminating possible solutions.”
Error 1. TesDe-bow-lay sentence #8
The poem was meant as a suicide note.
-AS, the subject has to be a person, not the “poem”
-WV, “was”
The author intends the poem as a suicidal note.
Error 2. BuckinghamPalace sentence #1
The guests don’t know the foundation the party honors, showing that they are rich and arrogant.
-contains WV “are”, to fix it Buckingham should replace WV with with an active one.
The guests appeared arrogant and wealthy, ignorant about the foundation the party honors.
Error 3. lananananananananananaBATMANN5758
The steel doors closed and the captain was on his own again.
-WV “was,” to fix it lanana should replace WV with and active one.
-AS steel doors couldn’t be the subject, to fix it make the captain as the subject.
The captain moved on alone, once the steel doors closed.
Error 4. sentence ehmgee5778 #9
Winston Smith is a character that Orwell created in his novel 1984.
-WV, “is” to fix it, ehmgee should replace WV with an active one.
Winston Smith, a character Orwell created in his novel 1984
Post a Comment